Rule 77
The Internet makes you stupid: I am living proof
What better time than here, what better place than now.
I have been plugging away at this story, I thought I would have to fill 10 minutes of air time with all MEMEMEME, but of course, it is a radio interview not a jimbob manifesto! I could ramble on about any old nonsense, I still might! edit: I survived the radio 30/12/2024@1230 My waffle starts just before 1hr 30min mark.
So, this is Christmas
Play it again Sammy and stick another duck in the oven.
My ordinary story, featuring extraordinary people who tolerated my shit for quite a while
Those that didn’t left, good on them. Healthy boundaries.
I do have a story, a story that reached rock bottom, broke through that several times, I slowly mangled myself into a bloody pulp, dripped through the drain of rock bottom, slopped into a bathtub and with this year we hit it again and bounced, upward towards the light. Shorted out the light and kept expanding into to the unending universe, refactoring in human form somewhere down Milk Way, 6062.
foo@barthollow-mew:> until human repeat_Some of you may be aware that I would not be here typing this if it was not for people, who still care for me. I have been spamming people with my daily gratitude, doing a daily gratitude is one part of my recovery that has changed the way I think throughout the day, looking for the good and not the negative. These people know who they are, if I have not seemed grateful enough, I am working on it, I have a lot of love in my heart in the tail end of this year, for people, some people go alright.
I have not been alright for some time.
I had a taste of booze around 10 years old, maybe a sip of Grandads Emu Export or later a Green Ginger Wine both of which I could take or leave, the Ginger Wine was at least palatable, mainly due to the sweet nest, yeah it was sweet… but not strong enough it would turn out. I have only reflected on this since joining the ranks of recovering alcoholics in AA, but the first time I really got drunk was after year 12 was done and dusted, I think… hopefully. Who knows really. I blacked out that night, but I do remember I was able to communicate with other humans in a way I never thought possible, and I woke up on the pavers feeling amazing, again, on reflection I was still drunk. That experience was now filed under alcohol has a great effect that gives you confidence. Ok, I just remembered something else… school was not done, cos I got drunk on bourbon again at some wannabe Geraldton goth party and copped shit for making out with a young lady on the trampoline, do not remember a thing. Remembered alcohol was a social lubricant. My first addiction was the internet and gaming, I combined the experience of being a teenager with the internet and was able to get into contact with fellow weirdos in the greater WA region, meet up for parties and probably get drunk. I fell in love with the first woman that showed me any sort of affection and moved down to Perth at age 18. I believe it was 1998 and I lived in Como with my girlfriend, we had wild IRC parties that the neighbours were not too fond of, I found a job at a local pub and stayed there for nearly 10 years, it was a good spot to get started on drugs and a healthy alcohol addiction, the drinking and drugs really kicked off once my girlfriend went elsewhere for affection. I was off to the racing cycle, of depression, drinking and various forms of un-healthy coping. To go through the evolution of my ridiculous ways would be a very long and possibly overly dramatic book of weird shit. I started with bottles of vodka it ended that way… if I could afford it. At one point towards the end, I decided to switch to cider, came in cans, made less noise in the house I was staying in and if I got really inspired, I could chuck them all in a laundry bag and take them to a can collection place so I could get enough money for: “your cheapest bottle of wine please.” 🧐 I went through all the flavours of wine, trying to figure out which one I could keep down for the longest.
I learned much later my father also had a problem with alcohol, much later. The first time we met though, after a good 10 years or so, it was a Bloody Mary each at the hotel I was working in.
I was not even aware there was an addiction recovery and detox clinic at Hollywood Hospital, my father suggested I give it a shot, I also have my ex-wife to thank for helping me get there too, she didn’t and still does not want to see me sick. Thank you Lob. ❤
So, I guess you have to do a small amount of surrender to admit that your drinking is a problem and that you, maybe perhaps need to go to the Clinic, never mind now in hindsight the insurmountable tome of evidence I would have if I could remember all the dumb shit I have done, and bothered to write it down. I have been in and out of Hollywood Clinic five times as an in-patient in the last two years and attempted the out-patient: Addiction Recovery and Harm Reduction Intensive (I don’t recall the exact name, can’t remember all the ACROBATS) program once, completed it the second time and just finished the 8 week schema foundations program in December, they have helped shift and change my understanding of my addiction and firmly planted my brain-meats in science. Each time I went into Hollywood as an in-patient, I went in a husk and came out sober, connected. I met some great people in there, I am still friends with today, although not for much longer if they don’t fucking answer me! :D It would not take much to send me back to the bottle, barfing up the last of my soul, fighting, thinking I could control this beast. That turned out to be the problem, fighting and thinking I had any control. I was powerless once that first drink was in me, most of the time. Sometimes I could hold onto to a little bit of control, and almost drink like a normal person, hold down a job do things about the house. Sooner or later though, I would be alcohols bitch once again. When it gets that bad the depression gets worse and most of the time I was hoping to be swept away in my sleep, I certainly was not able to take myself out. Instead opting for the slow painful death that would be an alcoholic death. When alcohol is driving the show, I could not tell you where I might end up on any given night/day/morning of drinking. I managed nearly a year sober whilst studying Cyber-Security at TAFE and all it took was a group assignment and my wife’s health to knock me off the path, the path that I was bare-back white knuckling on a 750kg torpedo, all the time dreaming in 750mls. Most of what I am telling you is a standard story from any number of alcoholics in the program and fellowship of Alcoholics Anonymous, it’s hard not to type Anonymouse there, lucky I didn’t. I was at an AA meeting on Christmas Day and reminded of one of the first things I read in the Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous 🐭 From the Foreword to the First Edition printed in 1939 -:
"We, of Alcoholics Anonymous, are more than one hundred men and women who have recovered from a seemingly hopeless state of mind and body. To show other alcoholics precisely how we have recovered is the main purpose of this book."Anyway, I could go on to plagiarise the entirety of the book to make up space on this page, I won’t, if you think you need the book as I certainly do, they are available at AA meetings the world over. The point is they recovered… the book offers solutions. The fellowship of AA is full of love and lovely people that are willingly to give what was freely given to them. I had my own experience of this realisation travelling with my then separated wife, “oh, this actually works” that was scary, a profound change is scary to me. It is that change that will save my life though, that much I knew. People who I have a great deal of respect for are working the program and have long-term sobriety under their belt “one day at a time”. It is a daily spiritual program that can help alcoholics to recover from this Malady of Mind, Body and Soul, I don’t think it says Soul in the book, but that is how I would explain the spiritual malady part. AA 24 Hour Help Line
I kept attending the AA meetings that were held in Hollywood every Thursday evening. I know now, I was not ready to listen to what they had to say, at the time I took them for salesmen and women “poor me! I am in hospital” look at you with your BMW key fob and your arm tatts, not for one second thinking this is a person who has got their shit together and is now volunteering his or her time to potentially be welcomed by nobody. Still for whatever reason I kept going. I imagine, so are they. ❤️
On my last admission to Hollywood, after pushing my life to the limit, facing homelessness once I got out if I didn’t act. I was broken enough to start surrendering, and for some of us it takes that much, that is how much convincing it took me, many are the same, many are different. I remember Rod speaking at Hollywood and me really sitting up and listening, his story was one of impossible lows and I saw hope and light in his story, a way out. You will find a story in the big book that resonates with you, even if you aren’t an alcoholic, you may get something out of it. Just practicing steps 10, 11 and 12 you can start to see changes in your person.
10. Continued to take personal inventory and when we were wrong promptly admitted it.
11. Sought through prayer and meditation to improve our conscious contact with God as we understood Him, praying only for knowledge of His will for us and the power to carry that out.
12. Having had a spiritual awakening as the result of these steps, we tried to carry this message to alcoholics and to practice these principles in all our affairs.The praying bit seemed a bit farfetched in my mind, but as soon as I did step three, I knew there was value in it, if only for the simple exercise of the mind, but by this time I had already seen so many things start to line up in my favour. Another lightbulb moment was that God (I say God now for sake of brevity but seeing as I am trying my best to waste everyone’s time today - A higher Power of your own choosing and understanding, how can you go wrong there!?) was always there guiding me, I could take it or leave it. Once I picked up the phone to God rather than the bottle of spiritual nausea, a lot of those moments made more sense to me. Some people have real trouble with the God portion of the equation, but once again I thought about how this program has worked for so many people, I know people still struggling with it, mostly due to preconceived ideas of “Sky-Daddy” God and the associated churches. A friend in AA said to me just last night, that he believes in God of the Catholic variety, he also believes in evil, whilst I don’t think many humans or cats are born evil, they can be corrupted over time. Hopefully my hard disk can be salvaged and my amends made in time, right now I can live my amends and be that better human I had always hoped I would be. I was always a spiritual seeker, I just had not found the right religion or the right piece of evidence. (Thank you Alex for leaving me all your books on said seeking, I have read some. I have read a shitload more since being sober this time around.) The fact is in those first meetings while I was in the hospital I found things to nitpick. “Oh, the book is ancient, 1939 the first edition of the Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous was published”, yet I would quite happily take in anything the ancient wisdom traditions had to offer, particularly the eastern ones appealed to me, still do. But a book published in 1939 must be full of old nonsense because it mentions God, possibly with a capital G, next Jesus and his 12 lambs will be rescuing nuns from burning buildings. (fuck it, do I have to draw that now too… JAYSUS) Yeah anyway, sorry Christians, it’s just a bit of fun. Some people can be saved by religion, I found a solution that works for me and countless others the world over. Everything that is practised in the book and recommended by others is getting me out of my comfort zone, the real change happens after the hurt, then the work starts. It is a program of action, I know if I keep on this path and surround myself with people who help along that path, I will be ok, everything has been ok since I have started. There will always be challenging days, but what I have learnt in group therapy, one on one therapy has given me the tools to cope, AA re-enforces those tools and makes me a stronger human. It is a time for change if you have the courage and the will to change AA could help you.
In 2024: Today, an A.A. presence can be found in approximately 180 nations worldwide, with membership estimated at over two million. There are more than 123,000 A.A. groups around the world and A.A.’s literature has been translated into over 100 languages
There is a solution
